Dear Abby Mistress 3: I'm not comfortable with my boyfriend's fantasies. What can I do?
Subject: Re: When you were offline...(via
Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 02:18:35 -0500
Hello. Without sounding stupid, I have a question for you.
My boyfriend is always talking about doing this fantasy stuff, which I'm not really into. I've told him that. I told him I didn't think I could be comfortable pretending to be somebody else.
Here's the deal on that. Care for a little science of the male? :)
Through thousands of years of evolution, there have been males who were interested in only one female, and impregnated only her. And there have been males who were interested in many females, and impregnated many of them.
Guess which of them was more successful in passing on his genetic code down to us?
So you see, being interested in many women is a trait that was passed on down to us.
A modern man has these desires built in. Unless you want to be a lesbian, you have to deal with the fact that men are built that way. They want to have sex with different women.
So to deal with this, he has three
1- He has sex with different women during the same time period. This can take the form of cheating, swinging, or polyamory.
2- He gets frustrated after a while, loses interest in his woman, and dumps her for another woman. This is serial monogamy.
3- He has sex with only one woman, but he fantasizes, and pretends that she is different women.
He is proposing option 3. Is there another option you would prefer he should take?
But he showed me this website and asked me to take a look. So that's what I did. First off, I think I'm relatively good looking. I'm tall and I think pretty cute. Like a model without the horrible burden of beauty (ha!).
That's great! :)
Anyway, he is very into the short, dumb big breast big butt thing (which from reading seems up your alley).
Actually, I like breasts (C or D cups are My favorite), an attractive face, and long hair. The rest is secondary. And I'm not really into dumb women. I just like the contrast of an intelligent and prudish woman transformed into dumb and sexy one. But that's just one of My fantasies....
I'm not sure how I feel about him wanting this, nor how I feel about any of this. So I was hoping you could tell me more about it and maybe make any recommendations. I'm up for anything, but I'm not up for everything, if you know what I mean.
Well, it depends what you prefer. See the above 3 options. Personally, I prefer polyamory, but you might like swinging instead. Polyamory is made with multiple love relationships, while swinging is purely sexual, and specifically excludes emotions. Cheating is, of course, the all time favorite choice of the masses, and the current statistics are that 40% of the population cheat on their lover.
Or, you might decide he's not worth it, and that it's ok that he get bored with you and leave at some point.
Or, you might decide you love him and want to keep him, and that if playing pretend games will keep him happy, it's certainly worth a try. You might even enjoy it too! I suspect you're having to fight your education on this one, because women aren't supposed to have sexual fantasies. They're not even supposed to enjoy sex. The only thing women want is love and lots of children, and allow their man to get his rocks off as a marital duty... or so we're taught. Sound familiar?
If we talk about women, there are three basic roles society has given us in the past centuries: Virgin, Whore, and Victim. -Virgins don't have sex. -Sluts love sex. -Victims have sex because they have to.
This is quite a dilemma for a woman. None of the choices are particularly good, and only the Slut role acknowledges the fact that women actually have a sex drive! You do have a sex drive, right?
Now you don't have to believe Me when I say being a woman and having sexual desires is normal. But we are animals, and it is. We need to eat, drink, and have sex.
Eating, even though it's an animal need, can be enjoyable. If you have a need, you might as well find an enjoyable way to satisfy it, don't you think? You can prepare delicious foods... and present them with swirls and embellishments, as the great restaurants do. Or, you can have oatmeal at every meal, every day of your life. Both will keep you alive. Sort of. But one really increases your enjoyment of life. The other is just for survival.
Sex is the same way. You can do the oatmeal of sex. Adopt the missionary position, shoot, wipe, and have the need relieved.
Or, you can be a gourmet. You can decorate it, just like food. You can play with flavors. You can have a whole setting for it, for ambiance. You can even eat the food itself differently, using chopsticks and kneeling at the table as they do in Japan. And the essence of culinary delight is variety. You never serve the same meal twice in a row. Why would you have sex the same way twice in a row?
You asked for My recommendation. Here it is: find something that would make sex more interesting for you. Allow yourself to fantasize. Pick a scene from a Harlequin Romance if you have to, and have him read the man's lines, while you read the woman's. Use whatever gets you excited. Above all, have fun! It's a game. It's supposed to be fun...
If this all makes sense to you, then we can discuss what I can do to assist in your fantasies and his... :)
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year to you as well ! :)
Seeing as I've spent an hour composing this email, and I think it would be of interest to others, do I have your permission to repost it on the Dear Abby section of the site, with your name and email address removed? You can suggest a nickname for yourself if you like.
NB: I will assume silence to be consent...
Subject: Re: When you were offline...(via LivePerson)
Date: Fri, 03 Jan 2003 10:15:33 -0500
What a thoughtful reply. Thank you!
And yes, of course you have permission to use it as you see fit. But I would appreciate my name changed. You pick to what. :-)
Actually, it's ok to use my name, as my husband will know I sent it and I think he'll be cool with it. But still I'd love to see what name you picked. LOL.
I think that your analysis of female role choices, and especially outlooks via sex is spot on. Really made me think.
I do enjoy sex. And I don't think we have, to kind of take your phrase, "oatmeal sex." I'm ok with doing different things sometimes. Risky things (public), different positions, etc. Not a ton of that stuff, but some.
But I can't make myself shorter. I can't give myself bigger boobs, or make myself dumb, you know? And I think that's what he wants.
And after reading your note, you know.... The idea of it sort of turns me on. I mean, if I could do it for him, yes, I would. Because you're right, the alternatives stink!
But I wouldn't do the reading from the romance novels things. That sounds kind of lame to me. No offense meant.
Anyway, I'd love to chat more about this sometime if it's possible, or just correspond via e-mails.
Sorry it took you so long to write to me, but I do appreciate it. Oh, and you can use this response too if you want to. But then I'd definetly want you to make up a name for me.
Thank you, Mabel
Subject: Further thoughts
Date: Fri, 03 Jan 200315:00:15 -0500
Thanks again for your thoughtful insights.
I've had more time to think about them this afternoon, and another few thoughts came to mind as a reaction.
1 - I was suprised by my initial reaction that it would be "fun" to be a big breasted, short, big butted, dumb girl... his fantasy. I think I say that because it would be sort of freeing. Something about it is real appealing.
2 - But add to that, I don't think I buy into the fact that I'd have to do that to keep him. When I think of it as fun for me I do find it strangely appealing. When I think of it as something I have to do for him... it sort of ticks me off. HOw'd he like to be like that, you know?
I guess that didn't really add anything new that I didn't tell you earlier, but I have been still thinking about it, and since you were so kind to write all of that, I wanted to send you more reaction in case it helps you in any way.
Her boyfriend would need to be hypnotized as well to see her transformed...